Reasons to hate people part 1.

I work on a checkout in a supermarket where the target market is the lower middle to middle classes, in a rather affluent town housing a prestigious private school. I won't name the supermarket for legal reasons and I don't really want to get fired for my blog.

I don't know what it is about supermarkets, but they seem to bring out the absolute cock in people. Normally civilised, relatively nice people turn into utter pricks as soon as they set foot through the automatic doors. Here's some customers that I absolutely hate.

1) The 'offers' brigade. 
Anyone who's worked in a supermarket will probably recognise this, and most of those on the list. The people that come to the till with things they believe are on offer, and watch the screen like a hawk to make sure they get their offer. It's then that I get things like this.
"Is that on offer? It didn't come up yet. Don't overcharge me, it's on offer!" 
Yes. It's on offer. No matter how many times I explain this, the offers come up at the end of the transaction. This is the least annoying thing about these people though.
Some people see an offer tag on the shelf and assume everything around it is included in it. One of our offers included a free packet of crisps with a sandwich and a drink; but it was clearly labeled that not everything was included. I then had to explain to a gaggle of cawing women that they hadn't got the offer because IT'S NOT FUCKING INCLUDED. Then I had to listen to them bitching about the supermarket and how it's their fault.
No you fucking useless bitches, it's your fault that you can't read. You held up 5 people in the queue because you didn't want to pay 38p for the crisps, and it's your own fucking fault, alright?

These people go hand in hand with
2) The reduced shoppers. 
They're the ones that buy nothing but reduced things. At the end of the day any fresh breads or cakes are reduced to try and clear them before closing time, which makes perfect sense really. One thing people do is, while i'm working out how many of something there are and what it is, tell me 'they're 13p each.'  I don't actually care how much they are and you telling me how much it is isn't going to help me get you through quicker when you've rammed so many in a bag that I can't fucking tell what it is. But I had one customer that I wanted to punch in the head. A guy who didn't speak very good English, who had a lot of one type of cake along with a load of other products that were reduced. I scanned them through and the exchange went like this.
'Reduced, they reduced.'
'I'm sorry sir?' 
'They reduced.' 
I double check the screen. They're not reduced as they keep fresh for longer than a day. 'Sir, these aren't included in the reductions' 
'No! They reduced! 15p each! I show you, they reduced!' 
At this point I called my manager, because fuck off am I going to sit arguing about some donuts. I explained to her what the problem is and he says the exact same things to her.
'No sir, these aren't included in the reduced prices' 
He kept on and on and on until she let him have them for 10p each because we couldn't deal with the stress anymore.
To make matters worse, he came back 10 minutes later to complain that one of the other things he was buying wasn't reduced and he'd paid £2 for it. TWO FUCKING QUID.
The nerve of some people really pisses me off. You are never entitled to a discount, or a reduction, and should be damn grateful that we offer them at all.

There's also a special breed of reduced shopper, who pisses me off no end. They take reduced labels off other produce and stick it to their shopping. I ask these customers- what the fuck do you take me for? Reduced labels have the product on them when they come up on the screen, and I am sure as hell going to notice when a beef joint comes up as a reduced yoghurt. I'll just take the label off it, and I'll charge you full price. Then when you complain, I'll point out that somehow this reduced label ended up on your shopping when it's for an entirely different product. Weird that eh?

3) Customers that ignore the checkout worker. 
This happens so much. As part of my job, I have to say hi, I have to be friendly and make a bit of a conversation. I can't do this if you're standing not facing me, talking on the phone, talking between each other or just being plain rude, glancing at me and then looking away. You lot are cunts. No other way of putting it. If I ask you if you want a bag, I don't want the response to be 'mm'. Would you like your olives wrapped? Hello sir! Sir..? sir...... OI WANKSTAIN, I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU. If I ignored you, you'd demand to see my manager and have me fired.

Also people that mumble. 'Would you like a bag?' 'mm.' 'any cashback?' 'm..mm.m.m.' I ain't fucking telepathic, you actually have to talk to me. If you can't handle human contact go to the fucking self check out.

4) I'm just running off to get something! ... for half an hour 
Whether or not this is fine depends on a few things. Where you are in the queue, how busy it is, etc. If there's 5 people behind you, and you run off to get something, you're an absolute complete and utter jizz rag and I hope you slip on a mushroom. If you're last or it's pretty quiet, fine. But either way when you've been gone for ages, I will start ringing other people through whether you like it or not.

That's it for now, more when more people piss me off I suppose.

Why gangstas and hipsters can fuck off.

I might as well start off with one thing that's been annoying me for months now.

It's this new trend , mostly with guys, of this ghetto gangsta style thing. Snapback hats, shirts that just have one big slogan on them from some hip-hop brand, 'street' shoes... Pretty sure most people will know what I'm talking about.

Most of the guys I've met that join in with this trend are middle class white kids. Parents are business oriented, mortgage paying upstanding members of society, went to good schools and colleges... They wouldn't know street if the crips turned up at their door and battered them to a bloody pulp. It looks ridiculous. But that's not the only annoyance.  The attitude and speech is just as irritating. It's this whole white-kids-talking-like-they're-black thing.

'Yo girl, you got a well peng body girl, ya gonna let me get on that?'

Peng? Is this how you hit on girls now? And get on what? The only thing you're getting on is a stretcher when you're on the way to hospital to have a snapback removed from your rectum if you dare try using a line like that on me.

I have to say, I laughed my ass off this morning when I read one of these kids complaining that 'everyone was wearing this stuff now'. Who does this sound like?

Hipsters.

Those rich kids that buy expensive clothes to make them look like they're poor, they do things 'differently' to try and be original, they like bands and groups no one's heard of and drop them like rocks when they get 'too mainstream'. If it wasn't instinct they'd stop breathing because everyone else does it; and maybe they should. Complain about corporations while holding a starbucks coffee, completely ignorant to the fact that they look like every other fucker in a hole ridden knitted jumper and chinos.

What kind of real street kid would be able to afford these things? It's taking the piss out of those that actually live in these kind of street conditions. Hip hop artists may make it seem totally cool, but I can damn near guarantee that the people wearing these expensive ghetto clothes wouldn't last 5 minutes in a real street environment. Same with the hipsters who spend so much  on looking like they shopped in a salvation army bin. It's pretty offensive actually. People in deprived areas will probably never get the chance to enjoy a life that privileged, and making it into some sort of trivialised style for the rich kids is seriously taking the piss.

Go back to your trust funds and stop acting like such dicks.

2 years later...

I shut this blog in December of 2009 and it's nearly 2 years later that I've decided to open it back up. 

I could say something profound here, I could say that I've missed writing and I could say that I've grown up so much in the 2 years that I've been away from the blogging universe. 

... But then, I'd be lying.

This is actually quite possibly the shittest introductory post on a blog.  I imagined it being all awesome, like the return of Gandalf or something, but it's not. Quite the load of balls actually. 

Anyway. I'm back. I'm pissed off. I'm short. I'm faux-redhead. 

Bring on the rage. 

Time.

What is time? How long are seconds, without using the term second, and what keeps it all so rhythmic? How can we, when we have these clocks, that show illusions, lose track of time and make seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like nothing and forget all we did in the last 5 unreal minutes?
What are moments? Who made time? Society runs around time, time is necessary, time is everywhere, but what is time itself? Did we make it up?
24 hours in a day, but what is a day? What is an hour?

If there was no time would we feel the same with the same values?
Does time really exist?
Imagine a world where clocks don't exist, where there are no seconds, hours, minutes, days, because no one ever invented it, but they invented nothing anyway, because time has always been here; but has it? Is it even here now? On and on and on I spend my minutes, seconds, hours, days, thinking about what to do with the rest of my limited time; but is it really limited? Or have we as ourselves tricked ourselves into believing in it?

Can minutes be seconds and seconds to days, days to hours months to decades? How are we aware that time does not stop for millions of years and we freeze where we are, with all thought processes paused like a big virtual game, how can we tell if we are real? When it unpauses we don't know, like a character in a game, how can we tell if those we see each day are real or not?

What is reality?





One thing I know for sure,

The bread still doesn't fit in the fucking toaster.

Kevlar tits.

As per usual I've been on unreal tournament, blowing people up and being blown up and generally thinking oh mah gawd this game is so awesome that I want to play it all day and not stop but I don't have any energy drinks and i'm tired so I can't.
When my character got shot, she slumped to the ground and I managed to see her without her corpse melting into the floor in a green electrical surge.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE HER TITS OUT.

No wonder she keeps dying, she's got all this fuck off armour on and yet she's showing off her nunga nungas. So I started thinking, that if she's not going to cover up..
why not get Kevlar breast implants. That'd also do her a favour.
They wouldn't bounce, they wouldn't jiggle if she turned around too fast, they would hardly move...sounds good. However if I was running up to stab someone in the chest but my knife wouldn't go in I'd be like whoah... -stab....stab....stab- then just stab them in eye because fuck, I was going to kill them anyway. But still it would be rather awesome to have kevlar breasts. It would also make use of the distraction technique.
Well. You guys try and tell me that if a girl with massive boobs ran at you with a machine gun with her tits out you wouldn't know where to look? Should you be a gentleman and politely look away? should you take advantage of the fact theres boobs infront of you? Or should you look at the gun that's just shot you in the face?

I am

I am a huge geek, really. I'm not a nerd- not always got my head in a book, can't do calculus and my shirt is not tucked into my underwear. Now we have those stereotypes out of the way, let me put it into perspective.

1) I'm having JFP.exe has encountered a fatal error. Process terminated. Error report not sent. On my tombstone, made to look like a BSOD. I don't know how many of you will get that. And no i'm not going to die yet, just so you know.
2) I say things like Lol, rofl, roflwaffle, roflcopter...outside of my computer.
3) I use internet memes outside of the internet on unsuspecting people.
'Jade give me back my pen'
'All your pen are belong to me!'
'What the fuck, just give me back the pen'
'Blue pen is blue.'
'Yes..it is...'
'I can has pen?'
'GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEN'
'RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEE'
4) I spend about 8 hours a day on a computer.
5) If i'm not on the computer I am thinking about what i'm going to do on the computer when I get home.
6) Scart leads, USB cables, Ethernet cables..I know where they go what they do and what they look like.
7) I hate macs and can give several reasons why.
8) I know HTML coding. Not all of it, that'd be veeeery difficult. I also know it stands for Hypertext Markup Language.
9) I'm definately not a n00b.
10) Trekkie.
11) Kirk > Picard.
12) My favourite comeback in arguements is BITCH, I'M BLOGGING THIS.
13) I go glossy eyed at the sight of Alienware laptops and gaming computers.
14) When I go into game shops, the assistants think I want 'girlie' games. I instantly ask where the FPS games are.
15) I did understand the matrix.
16) Om nom marvel comics.
17) I still hail the Playstation 1 and Sega cartridge games.
18) I can whistle the entire super mario brothers theme tune.
19) I kept my gameboy and I still play it.
20) I can mesh my own sims 2 objects.
21) I don't mesh my own sims 2 objects because £30 for Milkshape is so not worth it.
22) I'm boycotting EA games due to their horrible customer support.


Aaaand you know what?
I like it.

Live long and prosper, unless you're an idiot then go play with fireworks.

A breadless concept.

Possibly one of the only in depth food related posts I will ever make.
Can you imagine a world with no bread?

Like really imagine, there was no bread or bread products eg Bagels. What would you do?
With no bread, there would be no:
Sammiches, so what would you do with that bacon?
Rolls, so what would you put in the basket on the restaurant table?
Bagels, so what would you do with the cream cheese?
Tasty smells by bakeries, so why bother going to a bakery anyway?
Naan, so what would you do with the rest of the curry sauce?

(I'm feeling sick talking about food in this post but I'll carry on anyway)

and there would be no toast.
No. Toast.
Anywhere. No toast to be found. No cheese on toast, no buttered toast, no toast at all with anything on it.

Which means that most of the jokes for this show:


Wouldn't exist. That means the show wouldn't be funny so no one would watch it, depriving children everywhere of a decent cartoon to watch while eating their toast- BUT THERE IS NO TOAST. No toast means a breakfast is gone, the eggs are lonely, the butter is untouched, and who would buy a toaster if there was no bread to be toasted?
The kitchen appliances market would lose revenue and probably crash without toasters, because no one would have tea and toast anymore. If they didn't have tea with their toast, or toast with their tea, they'd need neither a kettle nor a toaster.

Everyone knows Breakfast is important and everyone recommends eating it (yet I don't. I'm hardcore and don't listen to rules like that.) but what would happen if there was no bread? what would many commuters have for breakfast? Toast is convenient and fast, and tasty and epic. You cannot take a bowl of cereal with you on a morning commute, it will spill all over the train. Then if you dont have breakfast, you can't concentrate at work. Then you get fired. Everywhere people are getting fired for not concentrating driving unemployment up and straining the taxpayer, who is also getting fired at an alarming rate meaning they can't afford to pay tax! if they can't afford to pay tax who will fund the schools and hospitals? Children will leave with no qualifications because there isn't enough money for text books. Speaking of them, if they have no breakfast, they can't concentrate either, so they're wasting their time as zombies with no breakfast, unable to learn a thing. Skilled workers would fall into a standstill, no wages paid and no work being done. The whole world would grind to a halt.

Humanity would die out as people desperately tried to find a solution to this global catastrophe.



So STOP.




And thank your baker.